The Unexpected Summer

EVEN WHEN I DON’T UNDERSTAND, GOD IS GOOD.

Dear Parent,

Grief is a tricky thing. It comes in waves; painful and overwhelming at times, and yet there are whispers of hope and peace at unexpected moments. If you are reading this and are walking through the loss of a loved one, I am so sorry. Even in saying that, I know those words feel small and unmatched for the weight you are carrying. If you are walking through grief with a friend, I pray that you would boldly trust God’s nudging and confidently lean in where He has you. 

Death is hard for us as adults to understand and process, and my deepest prayer is for God to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding. As parents, while we are processing the loss of a loved one, our kids are also navigating new emotions and questions along the way.  I pray for a peace that only comes from the One who is strong enough to bear the weight of our grief and orchestrate behind the scenes to equip us as we try to answer so many questions that we ourselves do not fully understand.

This book is composed of fictional characters and the story-line is just that, a fictional narrative. It is a story of kids and adults all processing grief in their own way. As we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest, I pray that our children will feel the freedom to do the same. My hope is not to provide a how-to guide on processing grief, but instead to share a story of what it could look like for believers to walk through the loss of a loved one together. You will find that often the conversations intentionally end a little messy. Grief is not something you can neatly contain and tie a concluding bow around with one beautiful conversation. Instead, it is a continuous journey of trusting in His goodness.

Everyone who faces loss will experience grief in a different way. Some may feel anger, some may feel sadness, some may feel numb, and some will not fully grasp what has happened. All these emotions are normal. There is no one way to grieve, but there is always an opportunity to enter together into the process. Together, you and your children need one another and community. I pray that you would turn to your local church along with other loved ones, allowing His body to help you in the days and months ahead.

You can read this book together with your child or you can each read it individually. Below you will find questions for you, as the parent, and tips on how you can go a little deeper with your kids.  Every few chapters, I would encourage you to process through what you are hearing from God both individually AND together. I would encourage you to enter in and trust God’s work. He is with you in this season, and He is still good. He desires to give you stability and hope, not to move on, but to truly feel and experience life with Him.

 

A friend in Him,

Katie

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Chapters 1-2

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • How do your kid(s) process hard or unexpected news?

    • Is it different than you would have expected? How so?

GOING DEEPER:

  • List out the things you know about God.

  • Read the following verses together to get started:

    • “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5

    • “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.” 1 John 4:16

    • “As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30

    • “The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.” Psalm 116:5

Chapters 3-4

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • What friends or people do your children have in their life that can help during this time? What would it look like to invite them to help your kids process their questions and emotions?

  • What friends do you have in your own life that you can process hard things with?

GOING DEEPER:

  • Read the following verses together:

    • “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

    • “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Luke 6:31

      • According to these verses, how should we treat others who are facing something hard?

      • How have you experienced this kind of love? How have you experienced something different?

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Chapters 5-6

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • Have your kids experienced a funeral? What were their thoughts? Did they have questions?

  • How have you processed grief and what are you modeling for your kid(s)? How are they seeing you pray, talk about, and express your feelings?

  • Remember, it’s okay for this process to feel messy. Some conversations may feel powerful and helpful while others may feel confusing and like you are stuck, and that is okay. Grief looks different for everyone, and remembering to take it one day at a time will help.

GOING DEEPER:

  • Read the following verses together:

    • “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

      • Do you feel God near? In what ways have you seen Him care for you in hard times?

    • “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

      • Do you believe that one day there will be no more sadness? How does this verse make you feel?

      • Does heaven seem like a place you want to go? Why or why not?

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Chapters 7-8

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • In what ways have your emotions differed from your kid(s) as they have processed grief? Has this been a struggle for you? How have you encouraged them in their own feelings?

  • What questions have your kid(s) asked? How have you navigated those conversations?

  • Remember, doubt is not sin. Through processing and asking questions, your children will begin to develop faith of their own. Is there a way to open the door for more questions?  

GOING DEEPER:

  • Read the following verses together:

    • “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.” 1 John 4:16

    • “The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercy endures forever.” Psalm 145:9

    • “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good and His mercy endures forever.” 1 Chronicles 16:34

      • Pick one of the above verses and write it somewhere in your home. Pick a time of the day to read the verse together as a family.

      • Why is it important to remember true things about God? How do you think this could help when you or your child are facing difficult questions?

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Chapters 9-10

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • Sometimes kids just need to be kids and often that means letting go of our control, and letting them handling situations how we think they should. What are the hardest things for you to let go of when it comes to your kids?

  • Who else is speaking into your kid(s) life and helping them process hard things? We often want them to come to us first, but there are times when they need other trusted adults to speak into their lives as well. What does it look like to purposefully try and create opportunities for this?

GOING DEEPER:

  • Grab a favorite snack at an unexpected time and intentionally talk with you kid(s) about something that is on their bucket list. This could be something like camp, it could be going on a trip, or it could be a sleepover with friends.

    • Pick an activity, pick a date, and put something on the calendar. Having something exciting to look forward to can often help when things are feeling heavy.

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Chapters 11-12

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • What would it look like to give your kids space to process hard things in their own way? How can you provide activities, counseling, or supplies for this processing to happen? Journal writing, a video journal, creating music, building something, and exercise are examples of outlets that may help your child process their feelings without pushing for a conversation if they aren’t ready.

  • Try talking with your kids while using the rule of thirds. This means the first thing a conversation needs is people, the second thing is a topic to talk about, and the third thing is something to keep your bodies busy. It could be going for a walk, going for a bike ride, playing with legos, eating a snack, building something together, etc. Sitting quietly and talking can naturally feel intimidating for children, so find an activity to do together that allows for conversation without it feeling as focused.

GOING DEEPER:

  • Order a custom puzzle with a picture of someone you love or of your entire family. If you are unable to order one, make your own by printing off a large picture and cutting it into pieces. As a family, work together to assemble the puzzle and as you are putting it together share some of your favorite memories.

    • Go into this with reasonable expectations. There may be tons of memories to share or your kid(s) may not feel like talking. This could be an opportunity for you to process your grief just as much as it is an opportunity for your kids.

  • Read the following verse:

    • “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” John 16:22

      • Jesus was trying to explain to the disciples what was going to happen to Him. They did not understand, but He wanted to encourage them that though they would hurt when He was crucified, it would not last forever. One day we will be fully and completely together with God and all things will be made right.

      • In the same way, we can cling to the hope we have in God. He loves, He cares, and He is good.

      • Pray together as a family.

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Chapters 13-14

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • Holidays are hard after losing a loved one. The routine may look different, the traditions may feel less exciting, and the reality that they are not with you is tough. What hard moments can you anticipate for your kid(s) and yourself and how can you look for opportunities to make new memories?

    • The goal is not to replace what was, but to step into something new and trust God’s mercy in ways that we don’t fully understand.

GOING DEEPER:

  • Look ahead to the next holiday. As a family, brainstorm special ways that you can bring the memories and legacy of the person you have lost into that holiday. A few ideas are listed below:

    • Play their favorite song.

    • Play a game they enjoyed.

    • Eat one of their favorite foods.

    • Bring pictures to display.

    • Wear a shirt that reminds you of them.

    • Bring a favorite gift they have given.

    • Start a new tradition in honor of them.

    • Light a candle in their honor.

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Chapters 15-16

THOUGHTS FOR ADULTS:

  • Have you faced any challenging moments with your kid(s) while navigating grief? Is there anything you could do right now to open that door a little farther to allow for conversations to continue?

  • Just like adults, it will take kids time to process hard things. Your kid(s) could be up and down, angry, and then happy, crying and then laughing all in a day’s time. What does it look like to accept how they are feeling, but also point them towards God?

    • Set some reminders in your calendar to continue these conversations. Maybe it’s needed once a week at first and then maybe once a month. My hope would be that these conversations would not end with the assumption that everything is now fine. The hope is that you can learn to be okay with the mess and that each little conversation would simply pave the way for a deeper and more meaningful relationship where all topics are “on the table” and doubt, worry, fear, excitement, and joy can all be easily discussed.

GOING DEEPER:

  • Read the following verses together:

    • “Carry each other’s burdens and so you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

      • We were not created to go through life alone. Your friends and your family are there to walk through whatever you face, and you too are called to do that for others.

      • How do you see God using you and your story?

    • “This is my commandment: love each other just as I have loved you.” John 15:12

      • God loves us in an extraordinary and incredible way. Because of His love, we too have the strength to love others. Sometimes that means sacrificing, sometimes that means stepping up, and sometimes that means leaning in. But always, it involves others. We were not created to go through life alone and our grief was not intended to be ours to bear alone.

      • How are you processing your grief together as a family and who are the people that are walking alongside you?